Myself, Yourself, or Us

The other night I was sitting in a houseful of people doing a puzzle. Sitting there I almost screamed out loud at myself. The setting was calming and relaxing, the company was relaxed. It was not them that I was finding so frustrating, it was me. Well sort of, it was the egoic part of self. Not my authentic self, but this egoic part of me that I have allowed to attach to me in the last 4 years. The part that dares to tell me I am bad enough, or for that matter good enough. Or encourages me to judge another, for no other reason then just being, for that matter. My ego was not allowing me to work with the other women around the table to put the puzzle pieces in place together. I out loud was amazed how quickly it was coming together as we all were plodding along, but when that voice was there inside of me to tell me that I did it, I realized immediately something was not right. I can only hope that someday it will be right again.

As I sat their and listened to my "ego", "my sick brain", congratulate me on putting a puzzle piece in the correct place. I was aghast. This might seem absurd to some, but never had I experienced this so blatantly. I realized how drastically I had regressed over the last 7 years, how the opposing poles of my being had returned to a state of utter childishness. As I have grown older I have grown more immature and reached an immaturity I have never known not even in my childhood.

We are the company we keep and first off never have I congratulated myself for something like wiping front to back. There I sat doing my best to be tolerant of self. In my true place of spirit I have as a general rule been accepting of self. My wins my losses, for these are nothing but the cycles of life.

Then I realized how my true soul, my authentic self has valued independence, personal autonomy over the years, rather than collaborative team work. As a child I belonged to the debate club, the swim team, the grass hockey team, the acting club. Yes, I was a figure skater, and public speaker, and did well in school but I must say my times of true joy with the win or the personal lessons and success' in a loss always came when working in a team. When I was there to assist another, to look for help, to ask for help, to lead, and yes, to follow. The times of pride and humility that come from well deserved wins and losses, came for the wins and losses I shared with others.

I like to believe myself to be a strong independent women. I like to believe I was this way as a child. Part nurture, part nature. I look at my own personal evolution and I look at what has happened around me in the communities, and the countries that surround me in this world.

Independence, Independence, Independence

Strong, Strong, Strong

All of this was supposed to eventually equal...

Money, Money, Money

And...More, More, More

With this in mind we have created great social movements. Gender Equality, Race Equality, Homeless Initiatives. When I look back though, I realize I fought all of these fights alone, or I stood alone anyways, where was my team. Why did I stand alone. Was it because I was not honoring that immature part of myself enough.

What I have learned from these social evolutions, these fights for change is that as one rises up another becomes frightened and digs in their heels. It is time to continue to use I statements, yes, regarding how we feel, so that together we can communicate in a healthy way and work well together as a team.

If for a little bit we could be selfless to help self because as I see it around the world we need to help ourselves terribly right now. The challenges we as a global community are dealing with with, Isis, Brexit, North Korea, Duarte's in the Philippines; these challenges will not be solved independently but by a global community remembering that this is not a competition, this is not a game, this is a journey we are all walking together. The problems we face alone, be it where the next puzzle piece goes or how we are going to keep ourselves out of debt, can translate to how are we going to be friends with our neighbors, and how are we going to maintain a stable global economy. Yes there are things we can only do alone, like taking care of ourselves, but only so that we can be a tangible part of the solution, together.

I do not want more ego, and less knowledge, how can I be a part of the solution this way.

I do not know if I tied this all together the way I meant to, I am not going to overthink it, or judge my work. I am just going to put it out there and hope for the best. What else can I do? All by myself?